I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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