I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
