people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
