i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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