I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
