then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
