I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
