I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He uses pillows to masturbate.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
