My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
