There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
