when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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