Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Can you bring me the toilet please
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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