My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
