I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
