I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
another moral hangover. fuck.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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