smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
