I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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