Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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