ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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