I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she told me i tasted like america
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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