I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
