I think scott just propositioned me for sex
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
