he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
