I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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