I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
