She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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