I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
