I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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