shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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