Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
