Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
