I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
