just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
