i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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