I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize