Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
