And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
