i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
