So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
