I'm sorry my penis didn't work
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
