Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
