I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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