idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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