can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
