I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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