ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
