she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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