Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
