Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
All I want is dick and wine.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
