Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
