The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
