dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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