I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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