Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
