I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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