new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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