I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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