You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
