Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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