DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
