So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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