Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
