my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Green mimosas i think yes
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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