bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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