white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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