Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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