It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
