it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
